Bittersweet

I don’t know how to begin summing up the last couple of days here other than to say that it has already been one hard week and it is only Wednesday. To get you on track, I must explain that there was a little boy around 3 years of age named Andrew who became sick sometime before we left for Livingstone. The first time he was taken to the doctor was because he had a rash on his body. The doctor dismissed it as a fungal thing and sent him back to the Havens with Meagan—a young woman who comes every summer specifically to work with the children here. Not long after this, Andrew started refusing to eat and when he did eat he was throwing up whatever he ate. Meagan took him back to the doctor where they kept him at the hospital for several hard days. Now, Andrew was HIV positive and tested positive for Hep-B at the hospital. He was still refusing foods and vomiting up foods after going to the hospital. His veins were collapsing when they tried to IV him. There was one day, according to Meagan, where they visited him and he was sitting up and looking somewhat better. All of that changed the next day—Monday—when his kidneys began failing. We were told sometime before lunch that he was not expected to make it through the day. In the meantime, Andrew had contracted PCP pneumonia. He was on a feeding tube, oxygen, and drips. A few hours after supper on Monday evening we got the news that he had died. Now, we were prepared to deal with a death while we were there because we had been previously educated about what happens when a Haven child dies. Initially, my response to the news of Andrew’s death was one of peace of mind that he was no longer suffering. I did not cry and really was not too sad. A lot of us responded via emotional eating.

Now, usually when a child dies here, the funeral occurs the same day. Since Andrew died later in the day and had some family planning things for him, it was put off until the next day.

The next day (Tuesday), we got up and started our day as usual. We were told to go about our normal routine and be ready to pause it for Andrew’s funeral. It was very hard to just “do the day” with that looming over us. Not to mention that it was our last day in Namwianga. The morning routine was usual and I loved on the kids a little more than normal. We found out that Meagan was going to pick up Andrew’s body sometime after our lunch, so that mentally prepared us for what was to come in the afternoon.

I had a hard time eating my last lunch—fried chicken, green beans, potatoes, gravy, and pumpkin cake—knowing I was about to witness something I had never experienced. Everyone seemed to be dealing with it in their own way—the silence was very telling as we waited to go to the funeral following our meal.
Dr. Weaver drove us in shifts—I was with the first group. We waited outside of the Havens for what seemed like forever. In the meantime, we joined the rest of our group for cake deliveries of gratitude to each Haven before going outside to wait again. Next thing we know, we hear vehicles pulling up and men singing. Everyone was there and the funeral was about to start. The scene was like nothing I have been through in my life—men in the back of the trucks that drove in were singing, a truck pulled up behind the Havens and stopped. Woman—mostly the aunties—surrounded it singing and weeping and wailing. Then the emotions came. I had been told that they usually just wrap the bodies in blankets here, so I was prepared to see something like that. I moved through the crowd holding my breath and fighting tears as the tailgate of the truck was lowered to reveal a small coffin—Andrew.

The women wept and wailed in ways I have only read about in the bible. Not an eye was dry in that moment. As his coffin was moved onto a table brought out from one of the Havens, I couldn’t control my sadness. Cari and I stood with each other, arms around, crying as Mama Cecilia—one of the older aunties—said “I won’t waste much of your time. This is one of the last times the body can be seen before it is buried.” With that, the coffin was opened just enough so you could see Andrew’s face. Meagan walked over and pulled the blankets off that covered his face before many were walking by—the aunties first, weeping, wailing…one in particular cried out “Bye bye Andrew.” I knew I had to go say goodbye to him for myself, for Andrew, and for people back home that have loved him. So, I left Cari to do so and was joined by Jill. I only gazed at him long enough to utter “I love you”, and he just looked peaceful. Still, it was very very hard, but I do not regret it. We followed a line of people—one woman in particular was still weeping and wailing—to a small grave yard a few steps back behind the Havens. While Andrew was still being viewed, we stood among the graves of other orphans that had died watching men finish digging his grave. In the meantime, all of the aunties stood by and sang songs. I thought to myself “How strong they are to be singing through this.” It was beautiful down to even the cracks of their voices when they cried while singing. The burial was more involved than the viewing. Several spoke—a family member of Andrew’s, Meagan, and maybe a couple of others. His coffin was lowered down, words were spoken, family was invited to sprinkle in some of the dirt on their own, and then it was finished. After the grave was covered, his favorite toy, some flowers, and a bag of Cheetos were placed on top. The Cheetos were from us—one day Andrew ate quite a bit and made us all laugh a lot—so we bought those to leave there.

After the service, we walked teary-eyed back to our desired Havens to finish our last day. I went to Haven 3 of course to spend my last hours with Matt and Bennett. Chitenges were tied, babies were kissed, and it really was a perfect ending to a hard day. The rest of the night was taken up by packing, more shed tears over the day, and teary goodbyes to the night watchmen.

Today we drove into Lusaka. I have eaten, showered my last shower in Africa, and am finally emotionally able to write out all of this. We fly home starting tomorrow. Much love and thanks to you all for your support and love during my time here :)

Anna